Chasing Amy’s Heart

Today I watched “An Evening With Kevin Smith.” Kevin wrote and directed such movies as “Clerks,” “Dogma,” and “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.” One of movies he made was “Chasing Amy.” When watching “An Evening” the lesbian issue came up when a person named Lala self identified herself as a lesbian. She asked Kevin if he was perpetuating “the myth” that all a lesbian needs is a good man to turn them straight. Honestly, this kind of question pisses me the fuck off. I’m not pissed at Kevin Smith, but the tight asses that get their panties in a bunch because of this movie. A synopsis at Kevin’s site explains it best:

“I wanted to make the film,” Smith further explains, “to further explore how two people’s love for one another can alter their own perceptions about themselves. What and who we think we and others are changes all the time. Points of view, obsessions, insecurities, everything shapes our self-image. Although Alyssa says she is gay, she doesn’t feel constrained by her sexual orientation. So, is she by definition gay? My gay friends say no. She couldn’t fall in love with Holden if she were. OK, then what is she? Is she what she thinks she is or what Holden thinks she is, or none of the above?”

“You can’t judge her,” he continues. “She’s still experimenting with her life, making up her mind who she is. She’s made her choices and will make others. I can empathize with both of them but Alyssa is the stronger of the two. She walks into the situation with her eyes open while Holden’s vision is narrowed by his limited perspectives and experiences.” Says Smith: “Holden hasn’t figured it all out yet. Alyssa is in the process of learning it.”

I get miffed when lesbian identified women make derogatory comments about the movie. Kevin’s perspective focuses on love, while their perspective is one that would make this simply a genetics debate. Out of this foolish debate is where the idea that bisexuality doesn’t exist comes from.

There are people in this world that look for love, not just a penis or a vagina. We aren’t confused. We aren’t lying.

If we are male and decide to be in a relationship, is it not a gay relationship? A couple in our local Bi group is a lesbian couple. Are they not in a lesbian relationship because one of them self identifies as bisexual but isn’t practicing?

I refuse to feel the need to justify my transsexuality or my sexual orientation to anyone. If I chose to do something that helps me to live a healthy, productive life, how is that anyone else’s business? If I love myself, and I’m loved… how is that a bad thing?

So ya… bisexuals do exist.

Gays, lesbians, and heterosexuals, please do me a favor…get the fuck over it.

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Robin Hood

As I was getting ready for work, I sat at my PC and talked with on of my favorite LJ’ers, angiewarhol, about “The Justice League” and it somehow fired of a synapse that triggered a memory about my childhood.

I get very few crystal clear glimpses of my past and my transsexuality. Usually, it is just a warm memory that is fuzzy at best. For some reason, tonight I remembered a theatrical presentation of Robin Hood  that my 3rd grade class (not sure exactly sure of the grade)  was presenting. As one of the merry men of Robin’s troup, I had to wear tights. This made me extremely uncomfortable! How wierd, to feel that same uncomfortableness, all these years later!  I can still taste the anxiety and dread….. I was worried that someone might figure out my hidden desire. How wearing those tights made me feel things that I would rather not feel. Looking back, when I wore the tights I felt pretty, feminine, and soft. Those were feelings a young boy in a family of homophobes and bigots shouldnt feel. To bad that little boy/girl wasnt allowed to express who she was….

Its taken her 35 years, and shes is still trying to crawl out from under than shame. The difference is, she has loving, supportive people around her now. 🙂

“Being Me”

Publicly coming out as being bisexual has been “the best of times and the worst of times”, but I will never regret it.

In August of 2000 my wife Deborah and I had our final split that ended in her outing me at my job, to my family, and to anyone else that cared to listen. In the beginning I rebelled against her belief that I was bisexual. The woman that I trusted with my most inner feelings and thoughts used that trust against me. Even if her words were true, the messengers torch scalded my heart and my mind. Sometimes the truth not only hurts, but it burns as well.

I hadn’t ever really ever considered that I was bisexual since I never really felt a strong sexual attraction towards men. When I began female hormones in September of 2001, my libido began to decline and my desire for intimacy increased exponentially. I began to re-evaluate my relationships and my views on what I believed.

I was brought up to believe that all “niggers” were poor, lazy, unemployed sub-humans and that all “queers” were promiscuous perverts that led a life of one shallow sex adventure after another. Being bisexual meant that you had no morals or scruples. That was the climate I grew up under. It affected the way I felt about who I had to be rather than who I am.

Being “outed” gave me the chance to figure out if the ” conventional wisdom” that I grew up under was a truth or just propaganda that I had been fed.

Enter Christian Grantham. As I got more and more Internet savvy I began to search for what GLBT media was out on the “net”, I found a show called “The Christian Grantham Show.” Christian and I soon began talking and working on different projects related to his website and online Internet radio venture. As our friendship grew I got to know his boyfriend, Vince. They decided to “tie the knot” and Christian invited me to D.C. to attend the wedding. During my mini vacation I was exposed to Christian and Vince and the intense love they shared was like few romances that I had ever witnessed… gay, straight, or bi. With much of what I believed in shambles I began to question much of who I was, and why I held the convictions that I did.

Just when I felt at ease with my bisexuality, another question began to linger in the background. I had always believed in monogamy but had never really thought about the reasons why I believed in it so deeply. The answers I came up with dumbfounded me.

Ownership. With a word like ownership comes visions of slavery and submission of will. This type of “ownership” feeling does so much to stifle individualism and seeks to morph two people into one unit. Many times parents fall into this trap as well. They start seeing their children as possessions or property that they have dominion over. Typically this type of relationship comes at a loss of freedom of expression and of individual will. Many times this turns into a war of competing desires.

In my personal life as well as my relationship with my children, I love each child independent of the other. There are no favorites in my heart. I love each person for who they are as individuals. I love getting to know the “love and light” that shines inside of each one of them.

The other reason to be monogamous was jealousy. Upon inspection I found this type of jealousy to be rooted in selfishness and insecurity. I am the only owner of my body and essence. I’ve promised myself from here on out I will no longer be in any relationships that support that kind of jealousy.

Many claim that I am just “wanting my cake, and eating it too.” Excuse me? What are you supposed to do with cake, other than eat it? Put it on a shelf and let it collect dust? In my experience that “cake” often turns stale and moldy. Others state that my bisexuality promotes promiscuity and perversion. To that I can only lay out my own sexual history. I can count the number of lovers I’ve had in 37 years on my two hands and I still have fingers available. Can they say the same?

My bisexuality and polyamory are an outgrowth of my desire to live a truthful, fruitful life. Strong healthy relationships are built on trust and integrity not submission and subversion. As I began to explore my sexuality, I found that I was more attracted to a person’s essence not gender. As the generalizations started to melt away, some realizations started to emerge. Physical and emotional intimacy is not exclusive to any gender. I refuse to let my boundaries be set by anything other than my own well thought out choice and desire.

For the first time in life I know who I am and what I want in life and why. I love me. It’s about time. I am free to be….

Me.

I am me, and I love that.

Tonight something sparked me to reflect. I’m no longer that insecure person that needed someone to validate me. I know who I am, what I want, and what I will and will not accept. I am an individual. I can only control things that I do and I am responsible for. I have worth based on how I feel about me, not how someone else feels about me. If I am with another human being sexually, emotionally, or physically, it doesnt mean that I am part of them or that they are a part of me. We can fit together and work together but we never will be a whole person but two (or more…because I’m poly)distinct individuals. Nothing is forever, and that is the way of nature. I now enjoy moments in time much more than places or things. Building good solid connections with friends is one of the greatest joys in life. I am a transsexual. I am beautiful. I am a genderqueer. I am unique… did I tell you I’m beautiful? For the first time in my life I actually believe it. I am a good writer. I am learning every day and that is what makes me want to wake up, not a body next to me.

Growing into this has been one of the best things that has ever happened in my life. I am happy. I am content. Today is a new day!

“I’m Ready for My Close-up, Mr DeMille”

Well, my comments about how gay friendly Indianapolis is, is featured in this months “Intake”. “Intake” is “a publication that is focused on the lifestyle and entertainment issues important to Indy’s 25-34 year-olds.” It “is an independently distributed publication designed to cover the lifestyle, entertainment and news issues important to young professionals living in the metropolitan Indianapolis area.”

So, ya….yippie! They published my comments.


Now, the sexy ass evanmarshall got a entire piece dedicated to his transition! WAY TO GO!

I was also featured in a “Washington Blade” story about queer bloggers, back when I lived in DC.