Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Nick!


Guess what I gotcha?

Been a Long Time….

Hey kids. I haven’t written in this journal for a while. It just got too painful to write “I love you, I think of you everyday, and I miss you.” I feel better now, and I do believe things are looking up for the future. I want this journal, at the very least, to be a sign post that I HAVENT forgotten you, and that I love you.

I love you.

I have hope for our future.

I miss you.

My Sweet Children

T-Hows it hangin? Hope ur doing well, …..lol…I know ur doing well, I hope ur staying out of trouble 🙂

N-Your account will be opened this weekend. If you want to access it, I am sending the info to Moms.

D-Hows my girl? I miss your hugs. I miss your voice. I just miss you…..

“Zoe Jane”
by Staind

well i want you to notice
to notice when i’m not around
and i know that your eyes see straight through me
and speak to me without a sound

i want to hold you
protect you from all of the things that this liife has in store for you
i’ll always love you
the way that a father should love his daughter

when i walked out this morning
i cried as i walked to the door
i cried about how long i’d be away for
i cried about leaving you all alone

sweet zoe jane

so i wanted to say this
cuz i wouldn’t know where to begin
to explain to you what i have been through
to explain where your daddy has been

sweet zoe jane

I Understand

Kids, its been a long time since ive posted last. How many times can you say…I LOVE YOU. Or that my heart breaks every day that I dont see you. That its been so long, your voice has changed, and I dont know even what you sound like. I miss you…everyday…every single day.

N- I got a voicemail from a male, I’m assuming it was your mom’s boyfriend. He wasnt very nice to me 🙂 I dont assume anything that they say….but I do know you said out of your own mouth that you didnt want to see me or hear from me. I understand your anger. That doesnt change how I feel about you. The only thing I will say is that holding on to anger will only stunt your emotional growth. Today, tomorrow, ten years from now, I have an open door. It is your choice if you ever open that door. I am waiting behind that door with a feast of love. I wont push you through the door…its your choice.

T- You dont know how I miss you. Your something else. I will always be proud of you. Your character is so strong! Your mind so pointed, and your wit is so sharp.

D-Honey…Ive missed your warm smile,…of course the last time I saw it, you had teeth 🙂 I close my eyes and remember sitting with you in my computer chair and watching spongebob squarepants with you. I dont even know you anymore, but I still hold on to your memory. I pray someday this situation will change. I know one day you will know the truth…and these posts will have depth for you. Even in death, my love for you will not die.

In some small way, I live in all of you. I love you all. I miss you so bad that it hurts my heart. Love, Dad.

Everyone Hurts

Hi kids. Well, its almost been a year since I’ve seen you, but it seems like 10. I know less and less of your life..and that kills me a little each day.

N- Son, your response to all this has hurt me the most. I was told you dont want to talk to me. I had hoped that you would love me for who I am, not what I am….but apparently your either too young or too rigid in your thinking of what you want from me, not what is best for me in the long run. I love you and know that I have made mistakes in my life that have affected you. I hope some day you can work past your anger and hate for me. I miss you.

D-Well honey, I hope you read this at some point. I really dont ever want you to think that I dont think of you every day …I do. I had so much drama in my life growing up. I dont want you to have to grow up with this drama. Some dont want me in your life, and legally things are set up so I cant see you. I hope some day you ll know what kind of person I am.

T-How did you do at your violin thing? Hope you did well… I am sure you did. I am very proud of your growth and your attitude. Hope you always stay true to your beliefs.

Always your father,

A Year

Its getting close to a year of me not seeing you. N- Mom told me that you no longer want to speak to me. I understand that you must be very mad at me. I hope some day you can see how hard all this has been for me. I didnt just decide one day that I wanted to switch my gender. Being a transsexual is the last thing that I wanted in my life. Only problem with that is that is who I am. If there is one hope I have for you it is that you can come to terms with who you are, at a young age, and without reservation. I denied who I am at heart, for years… and I am paying the price for it.

D- Honey I think of you every day. I am back in Indiana, because I think being here offers me the best chance to see you guys again. The only thing I’m guilty of, is finally accepting who I am. Apparently some people think you cant handle ME, and that my transsexuality might somehow harm you or cause embarrassment to you.

T- I miss talking to you. You are one of the most intelligent, bright young minds I know. Pretty funny too, almost as funny as I. Your courage and strength is amazing. You will always be in my blood, even though you are not from it.

My love and thoughts to you all

As Time Passes

D.- Every day that passes..I know you a little bit less. Dont take that not knowing as not caring. I love you more today than I ever have. I hope you know that someday.

N.-Son, I know your confused, and prolly embarrassed about your Dad. This isnt ever easy. Know that I love you, and miss you. I will always love you, and NEVER judge you.

T.- time passes…and you grow! Its amazing. I hope school is going well for you and that you continue to kick it at school. Greatness is in your future, i feel it.