Publicly coming out as being bisexual has been “the best of times and the worst of times”, but I will never regret it.
In August of 2000 my wife Deborah and I had our final split that ended in her outing me at my job, to my family, and to anyone else that cared to listen. In the beginning I rebelled against her belief that I was bisexual. The woman that I trusted with my most inner feelings and thoughts used that trust against me. Even if her words were true, the messengers torch scalded my heart and my mind. Sometimes the truth not only hurts, but it burns as well.
I hadn’t ever really ever considered that I was bisexual since I never really felt a strong sexual attraction towards men. When I began female hormones in September of 2001, my libido began to decline and my desire for intimacy increased exponentially. I began to re-evaluate my relationships and my views on what I believed.
I was brought up to believe that all “niggers” were poor, lazy, unemployed sub-humans and that all “queers” were promiscuous perverts that led a life of one shallow sex adventure after another. Being bisexual meant that you had no morals or scruples. That was the climate I grew up under. It affected the way I felt about who I had to be rather than who I am.
Being “outed” gave me the chance to figure out if the ” conventional wisdom” that I grew up under was a truth or just propaganda that I had been fed.
Enter Christian Grantham. As I got more and more Internet savvy I began to search for what GLBT media was out on the “net”, I found a show called “The Christian Grantham Show.” Christian and I soon began talking and working on different projects related to his website and online Internet radio venture. As our friendship grew I got to know his boyfriend, Vince. They decided to “tie the knot” and Christian invited me to D.C. to attend the wedding. During my mini vacation I was exposed to Christian and Vince and the intense love they shared was like few romances that I had ever witnessed… gay, straight, or bi. With much of what I believed in shambles I began to question much of who I was, and why I held the convictions that I did.
Just when I felt at ease with my bisexuality, another question began to linger in the background. I had always believed in monogamy but had never really thought about the reasons why I believed in it so deeply. The answers I came up with dumbfounded me.
Ownership. With a word like ownership comes visions of slavery and submission of will. This type of “ownership” feeling does so much to stifle individualism and seeks to morph two people into one unit. Many times parents fall into this trap as well. They start seeing their children as possessions or property that they have dominion over. Typically this type of relationship comes at a loss of freedom of expression and of individual will. Many times this turns into a war of competing desires.
In my personal life as well as my relationship with my children, I love each child independent of the other. There are no favorites in my heart. I love each person for who they are as individuals. I love getting to know the “love and light” that shines inside of each one of them.
The other reason to be monogamous was jealousy. Upon inspection I found this type of jealousy to be rooted in selfishness and insecurity. I am the only owner of my body and essence. I’ve promised myself from here on out I will no longer be in any relationships that support that kind of jealousy.
Many claim that I am just “wanting my cake, and eating it too.” Excuse me? What are you supposed to do with cake, other than eat it? Put it on a shelf and let it collect dust? In my experience that “cake” often turns stale and moldy. Others state that my bisexuality promotes promiscuity and perversion. To that I can only lay out my own sexual history. I can count the number of lovers I’ve had in 37 years on my two hands and I still have fingers available. Can they say the same?
My bisexuality and polyamory are an outgrowth of my desire to live a truthful, fruitful life. Strong healthy relationships are built on trust and integrity not submission and subversion. As I began to explore my sexuality, I found that I was more attracted to a person’s essence not gender. As the generalizations started to melt away, some realizations started to emerge. Physical and emotional intimacy is not exclusive to any gender. I refuse to let my boundaries be set by anything other than my own well thought out choice and desire.
For the first time in life I know who I am and what I want in life and why. I love me. It’s about time. I am free to be….